Dealing With Sexuality As A Disabled Latino

As an adolescent and adult, I’ve had to deal with coming to terms with my disability. While I live with a particularly mild form of Cerebral Palsy that mainly only affects my left arm and motor control in my left hand, the outward perception of the condition is exacerbated by the fact that my arm wants to naturally tighten up against my left side and not stay at my side, as it naturally would, leading to awkward appearances.  Add a spastic, awkward gait to the mix and you get a sense of my daily life filled with constant adjustments and workarounds.

Being self-aware enough to understand these limitations also brings with it a lot of emotional and psychological issues, such as a negative self-image and low self-esteem. Those haven’t really gone away, despite constant positive reinforcement. When you grow up in a culture that forces you in a tiny box of rigid rules regarding masculinity without much freedom, those aforementioned issues become magnified to the extent that any failure to stay within those rules garners extreme disdain and questions about your life.

Since I’m a Mexican male, I’m supposed to be tall and strong, so that I can go work hard to save money to buy a house, find a wife and live peacefully. Before all that, I’m supposed to enjoy chasing women, getting drunk on the weekends and generally destroying myself, because that’s all there seems to be in life according to how I was raised.

Now how do you apply those rules to someone that will never be able to do backbreaking manual labor because of a disability, is shorter than average, and has only his mind and his wits as his tools? You really can’t force those rules on someone like me without lasting damage.

I’ve been dealing with the emotional and mental aftermath for years and as a result, I’ve never been able to date without constant self-doubt and fear of rejection. Whenever I do manage to date someone, it usually doesn’t last very long, mostly due to a lack of a deeper connection.

It doesn’t help that while I struggle to date, I try to find outlets for my sexuality and romantic desires, usually through porn, roleplay and 2D worship, and man does that get old when all you want is reciprocal physical intimacy and sexual validation from the opposite sex, but those feelings have to go somewhere, otherwise keeping them pent up would make me miserable.

I would like no more than to be seen as a sexual being and to be seen as an equal when it comes to matters of intimacy. Having a disability doesn’t mean I don’t have the same desires for sexual activity and intimacy as anyone else reading this, I’m still as human as any of you.

I still keep trying to date because I still have hope that I will have these experiences, which many don’t even think twice about. I also hope that having these experiences will make the constant feeling of invisibility go away, because I don’t want to be romantically and sexually invisible anymore.

Some of you might think that I’m putting too much weight behind all of this and you might have a point, if I were a normal, healthy guy. I’m not quite normal and my health has always been in question from the day I was born, so I hope you can forgive me for being so adamant about my state of mind and feelings on this subject, because it’s a big deal, at least for me.